


Ron Chee Investigations: Book 2, Something Fishy This Way Comes

by RonChee



Series: Ron Chee Investigations [2]
Category: Original Work, Ron Chee - Fandom, Ron Chee Investigations
Genre: Action, Action/Adventure, Adventure, BDSM, Cannibalism, Character Death, Comedy, Damsels in Distress, Dark Comedy, Detective, Detectives, F/M, Forced Ejaculation, Forced Orgasm, Funny, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Little Mermaid Elements, M/M, Mermaids, Minor Original Character(s), Mystery, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Other, Roadtrip, Series, Weird Biology, Weirdness, Why Did I Write This?, mermaid, seafood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-22 19:34:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15589179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonChee/pseuds/RonChee
Summary: The memoir too explicit and horrifying for RoyalRoadl, join me, Ron Chee, as I help a damsel In distress cross the country to return home all while dodging her former kidnappers who would like nothing better than to retrieve her or barring that kill us both, isn't life just a barrel full of laughs?





	1. A Routine Stakeout

I got ahead in my most recent big case- no seriously, I got a head, fantastic, I’d think of naming her my head secretary if she were the least bit trust worthy. 

As it is... Well, I bring it up because I’m on another stake out and I needs to go. So I let loose my bladder. Miles away, underground inside of a dumb waiter that leads to no where piss floods into the toothless maw of the woman who had once held my penis and balls captive and I let out a moan of relief, and more.

A press of a button on my phone and my penis, attached to a fuck machine by piercings starts going in and out of her mouth, and I groaned in pleasure even as I think back to my acquisitions. 

I had been in a rush, hadn’t been thinking or I’d just have taken the head with my penis attached- perhaps leaving the head in a public place after I would be sure all DNA evidence had been cleaned up and digested.

I hadn’t been thinking, and in a moment of recklessness I packed a duffel bag not only with the head but a few other odds and ends- a leg straightened by a metal rod screwed to the very bones that had been used as a candle holder- and again served that purpose after figuring out how to disrupt electronic bugs on it- as simple as implanting a few magnets.

Of course, not all my acquisitions were so easy to subvert- the head for instance.. well I wasn’t so sure of my prowess as a surgeon, and more over she didn’t need it- she could relay by writing what was happening and when she heard planes or whatever information she acquired so into a dumb-waiter that went no where, deep underground with only a fuck machine and my penis to keep her company. Even washing us up was as simple as pressing a button for the built in shower. 

The other things- mostly stuff that had been on a table healing up that I had swept into the sack weren’t all so easy- needing other trickery, mainly keeping them with the head unless I wanted them for whatever reason. Fake noises- taken from webcams from other countries were my main go to in case anyone had the same idea from me. Even now the head was surely hearing them from it’s dark prison. 

From a penis encased in clear silicone for use as a pleasure-less dildo eternally that I hadn’t done anything with to so far to a fantastic pair of breasts that had been sewn together which made for a fantastic pillow, to the truly obscene like the vagina that had been screwed onto a board of wood, pussy lips spread like a butterfly on display that I was far too nervous of making bleed out by unscrewing that I had screwed a time or two- set up in the dumb-waiter with a simple press of the button swiveling to it unerringly. 

Thinking about it was enough to set me off, and I came deep within the mouth, quickly pressing the button to stop it once it was pumped again inside the bodiless toothless mouth. 

Steak outs were far more awesome when you could do things like that, I thought with a satisfied smirk. 

Sure, it was immoral, illegal, horrible... I was a hypocrite for taking back my penis and extras, and not only that but using them, and I knew it... but I was no saint to be offered the world and not take advantage. 

I kept smirking even as I started recording a woman leaving slightly bowlegged, sure, I hadn’t wrapped up the case in one shot- the wife thought there were multiple affairs and wanted as much evidence for the divorce possible, but it was my cue to leave for the day, that was almost as good. 

***

I gamely ignored the laughter as someone noticed my van, a hotdog in one hand, a slurpee in the other, when my phone rang. 

Cursing I tried juggling things and managed to get it out. “Ron Chee Investigations, no we don’t hire out as escorts” 

“Escorts? ” A husky woman’s voice drawled out amused and I flushed “Sorry, been getting some prank callers lately, how may I help you?”

“I believe I have a case for you, though if you ever change your mind about escorting...”

I grimaced, one thing I hadn’t had the time or inclination to do- especially with the expenses of finally buying a house of my own was to remove the numerous piercings and the embarrassing penis and balls tattoos my penisnappers had inflicted on me, and, well, they were embarrassing to say the least- who wants “Sissy Slave” on their cock in rainbow colors? For that matter I didn’t much like the “Slap Me!” and “Bite Me!” on my balls, and the numerous piercings- a Prince Albert through my urethra and out the bottom side, a piercing on my balls- nearly on the other side called a "guiche” piercing apparently, a bunch of studs all along my penis in neat rows, two rows on top and bottom, and numerous rings on the back of my balls and even on my penis where it should attach to my body...

Well, needless to say I hadn’t been doing much dating. Then again, I had two holes a phone call away, the main male motivation for relationships didn’t quite exist for me, the primal need to mate was taken care of. 

“-so you see, I really need your help.”

That would have been a problem if I hadn’t been able to multi-task, an essential skill for any Dick worth his salt. 

It sounded... interesting to say the least. 

“I’m in the middle of a case at the moment, but I can farm it out, sounds rather urgent, I can make myself available for a more extensive consultation tomorrow, say, 10 AM?” He’ll be at work anyway, and despite a few days following him he hadn’t mixed business and pleasure yet as far as I was aware. 

“Great, thanks, and who knows, maybe if you’re lucky you can mix some work with pleasure...” She practically purred out the words, hanging up before I came to my senses. 

One thing was for sure, I’d be packing a meat rocket tomorrow.


	2. The Best Alarm Clock Is An Alarm On Your Cock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is it with clients flashing me in my office?

I woke up the next day to my cock getting sucked by the world’s best alarm clock, and as I came into the awaiting mouth I managed to turn it off before I was sucked to hardness again. 

A quick piss and I was soon after moving aside a wall panel and calling up the dumb waiter. 

It took less than a minute, time enough to put on a skimask and turn on a preset recording of planes, tropical birds that had no place in Las Vegas, and even mentions of other countries from foreign TV shows. 

The dumbwaiter came up and I was soon unlatching my penis from the machine. I hadn’t padlocked it in- it would suck to lose those particular keys. but instead secured it with easily cut off but extremely secure zipties to the ring piercings. 

Ignoring the pleas from the head, and grimacing in slight disgust at the matted hair I determined I’d just cut it off. The hose that sprayed water and a tearless shower gel mixture was good for many things, but not by itself cleaning hair. In any case, I didn’t have any time to spend cleaning up the woman properly with my job, and even if I did I hardly wanted to, so back down she and the assorted body parts sans my genitals went. 

Cleaning my monstrosity of a penis along with the rest of me in the shower, I was soon attaching my privates to a strap on harness with zipties that went on my waist and never felt quite right. 

***

It was annoying, I thought, taking a piss in my office’s small bathroom for the first time in half a year. 

Being able to piss whenever you wanted was convenient, sure, but it sure as shit shrinks the bladder. I couldn’t really run a case like this, not anymore, not without weeks if not months of wearing and using my penis like a normal person, and at this point... I really didn’t think reattaching it permanently was worth it, not that I could fully do it, at best I could sew it back onto my skin really. 

Shaking it off with the knock at my door, I trudged through the slightly messy, almost dust free office and to the door, to see a woman in a wheel chair, oddly with a wet blanket covering her thighs, smelling salty as hell. 

Waist up on the other hand... She was shapely, at least from what little I could see past the extra large sea world t-shirt, did she come from there?

Her blonde hair seemed... different. It glistened and seemed to be... more vibrant, more... thin but in a good way. 

The oddest thing were her eyes, they were pitch black, with no visible pupil and only the barest of whites in her eyes.

I take that back, the imprints, perhaps from a net appeared on her face strikingly if you looked hard enough, and her arms had red marks... bondage fanatic or something more I wondered? Still, if anything they made me more aroused by her than I had any right to be, I tried to keep work and pleasure separate for a reason, I reminded myself. What was that reason again?

Finally, I asked “You’re Angelica?” when she seemed disinclined to speak in my hopefully brief once-over of her.  
“Yes, you are the Ron Chee of Ron Chee Investigations?”

I nodded “One in the same, come in.” I said, backing up as she slowly rolled in, I was curious why she wasn’t using an electric wheel chair, hell, I was curious why she was wet, but far be it for me to miss the obvious, a trip to Seaworld- perhaps a new one had opened up- though why in Las Vegas of all places was beyond me. 

“So, would you like something to drink?”

“No thanks, I have brought my own” She pulled out a massive bottle of water from the pocket behind her wheel chair... and drank it in one go, seemingly not breathing, slowly but surely finishing what had to be a liter and a half of water.

“Er- so, what can I do for you?”

“You can help me return to my home, and if possible get justice or revenge upon those that have taken me.”

“Okay, I’m going to need a little more information than that...” I hedged, and was rewarded with her tossing the wet blanket aside revealing her nude lower body, leaving my jaw hanging open. 

My brain rebooted in time to say “Awesome costume, where-”

“It is not a costume, Ron Chee, but what I am, you may touch it to assure yourself.”

Hesitantly I touched her knee, on the outside ignoring her flinch towards my touch but making a note of it. At least, I touched where her knee should be, feeling cool scales instead and... movement as she twitched her green tail causing me to flinch so hard I nearly fell on my ass. 

“Wha.. but...” I stammered

“Yes, I am a Mermaid. My home, I believe, is off the coast of Florida.”

“Uh...” This really shouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve encountered the outlandish before, hell, I had the outlandish living in my house in a dumb-waiter! 

“Hmp, perhaps I should have looked else where... Still, I need your help... Will you help me Ron Chee?”

“Sure, do mermaids have credit cards?” I blurted out without really thinking.

As it turned out, mermaids didn’t have credit cards. Who would have thunk it?

“I have not the currency from the surface, but I assure you many pearls, or perhaps gold or gems if those are not to your liking upon my return. If.. If that is not good enough, you may also partake of me as other land dwellers have until I am returned, at least... at least this time there shall only be one.”

I swallowed my first instinct of shouting “Yes!” by the barest of margins. 

“First off, what all does this entail?” I asked, trying to focus. 

“I have stated my desires, though revenge is secondary to returning to my pod’s home.”

“I... see...” Rather simple, almost refreshing. 

“Do you wish to have my body now?” A blunt one, wasn’t she?

I knew I shouldn’t- she’d obviously been through something horribly traumatic, and just wanted to get home, and hell, if I wanted sex I had two partial humans- more really- waiting for me back home. 

I should have said no. 

“My place or yours?” I found myself asking instead.


	3. Gone Fishing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It smelled salty, but not like fish, thank heavens.

“I would greatly prefer it to be at “my place” as you put it, however the distance and the depths to which is located not only would take far too long to reach but would almost certainly kill you, so it must be your place. Is this your place?”

I blinked again but responded gamely “This is one of my places...”

As soon as I said it she took off her shirt even as she spoke, arms to the side, waiting, even as my attention was drawn to the massive globes, partly due to the obvious bruises on them, but partly from their massive size.

“Very well, do with me what you will, the men liked having sex with my cloaca and mouth, and the more adventurous ones enjoyed my caudal peduncle...”

“Huh?” King of wit is I. 

“My cloaca is like the... Virginia, and at small of my tail is my caudal peduncle, which you would call an “Uranus” I believe. I eject waste from them, in any case.”

I considered correcting her but it was amusing as hell... Ah, well, it’d get old eventually  
“A vagina and anus, and... I... Okay, here’s fine, where’s your... cloaca?”

I looked at her still bare tail unable to see it, until she moved her hand and revealed it, parting some scales showing a small narrow tube that almost looked like a very tiny but very hollow penis as it expanded out a tiny bit with the scale no longer intruding she once again set her arms to the armrests of the wheel chair awaiting me. 

Quickly putting an oddly appropriate “Gone Fishin” sign on my door and locking it I returned to the matter at hand. 

I was curious of the taste, but not so curious that I was willing to risk hating it, who knew just how much these differed from Vaginas... hell, what diseases there might be... 

Sadly with all my piercings, I’d as likely as not end up tearing any condom I put on. 

Considering my condition, I didn’t bother removing my pants or boxers, merely pulling out my penis out of my zipper. 

“I haven’t seen a penis that colorful before, and are those fish hooks?” She sounded nervous for the first time.

“Er, they’re like that, but the sharp bits aren’t exposed you see- Uh, if you want you can touch it to assure yourself it won’t hurt you.” Well, not from that alone, her cloaca was rather narrow.

She touched it with an icy cold hand, and distressingly sharp claws, rubbing the metal of my piercings and apparently satisfied, one again had her arms at her sides “Very well, you may proceed.”  
Well, that wasn’t the best come on I’d heard, but it was an invitation none-the-less. 

So I touched it, finding it surprisingly wet, or perhaps not considering all the water, but this was different, thicker... almost... slimy, thick liquid that allowed my finger to go in effortlessly, two wasn’t much worse. I felt bad as I put in a third, her wincing but refusal to move, to tell me to slow down... 

She was different, but she was also broken, I realized, she... she really wanted to go home, and I felt like a heel even as I kept fingering her, she showed no pleasure through it all, stoic faced baring the occasional wince. 

Removing my fingers I grabbed and lined up my dick, slowly- with a decent amount of effort from the large Prince Albert piercing, pushed in, it was almost a gasp but.. .air wasn’t quite moving for it, or not much of it as I slowly eased my way in, managing, much to my surprise, to get all the way in on the first try, and was soon slowly working my way back out, and once more thrust in, from her facial expression I might as well have been singing a lullaby and flicking her ear occasionally. 

It also felt fantastic, if strange, even as I directed my attention to her globes, fondling and suckling at them to her bland response. 

Even as I pumped I hadn’t been smelling, had my nose closed off- I didn’t want to smell seafood during, well, this, but as it turned out I needn’t have worried, as my attention wandered the smell of salt and a sweet ocean’s breeze was all, nothing bad certainly. 

It was a relief, and even more so as I came. Sure, it felt strangely empty, but sex was sex, I thought. It was just... She was... so utterly alien, I thought, removing my dick, though she seemed to brighten up a tiny bit once it was over. 

Excusing myself to go to the bathroom, I was soon cleaned up as I could get with my hands, and relieved my bladder once more, interrupted midstream by the sounds of banging on the door until with an almighty crash I was racing back, a trail of piss in my wake even as I stuffed myself back in and grabbed my pistol out of it's holster, never more glad for getting a concealed carry after the incident with my penis going missing.


	4. A Common Ploy Doesnt Mean A Bad Ploy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course they'd tag her, doy, I should count myself lucky that they hadn't bugged her as well.

“Stop or I’ll shoot!” I shouted the two men were trying to wheel away the mermaid, covered entirely in the wet blanket, her feeble struggles meaningless even as they raced off, I grimaced, I couldn’t get a shot. I raced after them and caught them as they struggled to lift the chair and all on the stairs, having no patience to wait for the ancient elevator

I grimaced and not wanting a death on my hands, even these and worse, they would drop the payday- er, Mermaid. So I did what anyone would do and tackled the trailing one, and all three of us tumbled in a confusion of limbs down the stairs. 

In my head, I would have tackled the trailing one and heroically caught the mermaid. Instead, they raced off leaving me on the ground, breath knocked out of me by the mermaid that inexplicably landed on my back. 

“We've got to get out of here, any idea how they found you?” I said after managing to get off and remove the blanket from the struggling mermaid’s head. 

“I am not certain, though I and many of my Sisters, if not all of them had metal implanted within them.”

Metal implanted- “They’ve tagged you.” Fuck, that complicates things. “Couldn’t you have said that earlier?”

“How could I know what magics the land-dwellers have? For all I knew it was simply one more thing to hurt us, that is what I had assumed, though clearly I was incorrect.” 

I grimaced even as I finally picked her up, feeling like crap, my ankle was sore and I figured I had twisted it.

****

Ever gone down an elevator with a stoic non-talkative mermaid you’ve just had sex with? Awkward, but it gave me time to think- and call the cops reporting what happened- they claimed they were sending someone on the way but I told them I wasn’t waiting- I had to get this half woman out of here, and hung up. 

Exiting the elevator, pushing the mermaid, I knew I didn’t dare go to my house for further supplies, luckily the van had a bug out bag to say nothing of the tools of my trade. 

So loading her up in the back of the van, I drove off, only stopping a few blocks away. 

Unfortunately, while I was easily able to detect the tag with the Mermaid telling me just where they had stuck the needle, along with a metal detector- truthfully a powerful stud finder- other than stabbing it I had no idea what to do. Luckily I knew someone that did, and for now the metal of the van should reduce it’s effective range, whatever that may be, but I didn’t have an idea what that was. For all I knew they could detect it from half way across the world, or they might have to be within spitting distance, and they had simply trailed her here. 

I couldn’t see anyone trailing us, but that didn’t mean anything- leap frogging or circling cars, helicopters or spy drones, even the traffic cams... No, it didn’t mean anything that I didn’t see anyone. 

Worse still, as nice as it was at times, my van was distinctive.   
Still, nothing for it. 

“Call Sam” I said, the phone ringing soon after as I drove off. 

“You’ve reached- Hello?” Sam said interrupting the prerecorded message. 

“Hey Sam, got a minute?”

“Yeah, shoot.”

“I’ve got.. lets say a fish that’s been tagged, and I want to remove the tag, now- as soon as I get there, can you do that?”

“I mean, probably, do you know where it is in the fish?”

“Yeah it’s on the... I’ll show you, I don’t know fish parts.” Both true- though the tag was in her arm. 

“Alright, well, I got nothing better to do.”

***

“This is not a fish.”

“She’s half fish, thus at least half your responsibility.”

“Damnit Ron, I'm A Veterinarian, not a doctor!"

“So?”

“Ugh, fine, where is the tag?”

“Think I can have it when you’re done?”

“Sure, won’t be sanitary though.”

***

I watched the truck driving away, the tag hidden under the piles of stuff in the truck bed, heading to California, and smirked. 

A mermaid with a bandaged arm wouldn’t stop glaring at me, but it was fine, the sex wasn’t that good.


	5. Not Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I must have been a true monster in a past life, it's the only explanation.

Of course, not everything goes the way I planned- I completely botched the case I had been on- with so many things happening I hadn’t thought to call in a replacement to take over my caseload- single case or not. Still, I did manage to weasel out of a refund of what had already been paid by sending all the video I had taken on my stake outs, citing a family emergency. 

“So why were you in Nevada of all places?”

“They took me to this barren place, I know not why.”

“I see... Seems strange, how did they transport you?”

“They had the large vehicles filled with water and stuffed us into the dark tank like sardines. It was not a pleasant journey.”

I winced, I bet not.

We’d been making good time- well, relatively, we kept having to stop for water- and to exchange vehicles- renting one, returning it, taking an uber to another rental place- hoping all the while we weren’t being followed, I was relatively sure we weren’t but they also could be waiting. 

I had to leave the gun behind- as much as it galled me I left it with the Vet. I couldn’t take it with me, not and use it in a state where the laws were stricter- if I use it I might as well shoot myself after. 

I did have my taser and a decent knife but just how much use they’d be I had no idea. 

At least pit stops for pissing weren’t as urgent, I had removed my penis at the last pitstop, keeping it in my pocket and holding it out the window when I needed to go, a bizarre sensation if there ever was one, though on the bright side it also meant being able to hand it to the mermaid when I was in the mood- she still had one good arm after all, and that was all that was needed to fuck herself with it under her wet blanket. 

Her anger at me was mostly to do with just how bad a cut underwater was- with sharks able to smell the tiniest bit of blood from miles away... But on the surface, a little bleeding wasn’t so dire a situation, and she’d easily be healed by the time we reached the East Coast. 

 

***

Despite being a road trip, and not only that but one transporting a damsel in distress, it was rather boring truth be told. 

Oh sure, I made the Mermaid switch things up a bit- even if I wasn’t quite up to fucking what passed for her anus, getting her to give my penis a blowjob in the back seat while I kept driving was a nice diversion even if I worried about my detached penis and balls being in a half-creature’s mouth, what’s life without a little risk?

It was rather mechanical- she didn’t derive any pleasure in it, nor did she seem to hate it. It was what it was. Then again, as I felt her once again push my penis all the way into her mouth, only leaving the balls out, before taking it out a mere inch and pushing it back in, a woman that didn’t need to breathe conventionally- that derived her oxygen from water drank- salt sold separately... Well, it made for one fantastic blowjob, lack of enthusiasm or no. 

I groaned as she started swallowing my seed making sure to get every drop, that was fantastic- she may not like sucking dick, but that’s one half woman that loves her cum. 

***

Of course, not everything went so well. 

“Hey, mind holding my penis out the window again?” I asked, feeling the need to pee again, curse my small bladder. 

“Ron Chee, I... I apologize, I believe we left your penis in the previous transportation.”

Damn-it, not again.


	6. Ding Dong Ditched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author here, sorry Ron Chee, but this one's for me, for the record I'm as straight as a rainbow, bisexual that is, and it's hard- pun intended- to write a straight male character at times- well, this time, it's usually not as much a problem. Hope I did it justice.

Chapter 6: Ding Dong Ditched 

I tried my best to control my anger at the idiot woman losing my privates- and at myself for not double checking to be sure they were with us, how could I forget something so essential to me?

If nothing else, I swore this wouldn’t be a common theme. I felt chills on my back at that, and dearly hoped I didn’t jinx myself. 

Stopping the car on the side of the road, I felt within myself, not for the force, but for my penis. It didn’t work, but I could tell now that we were stopped that my penis and balls weren’t currently in motion, a define good sign. It also felt as if I was on the carpet of the van and not on a seat, a mixed blessing, hopefully no one would see it. 

So I turned the car around. 

We’d only been going four hours in the current car, and it’d be another four back, so I really didn’t have much choice but to pee, and I grimaced but went anyway, feeling embarssed, really, peeing the carpet of a van was worse than pissing out the window, and I doubt it’d enamor the rental place towards me. 

About half way there I felt something, and it took stopping the car again to figure out what. Sadly my worst fears were realized again and again, as not only was the van starting to move, ut I hadn’t brought any electronic bugs with me- this wasn’t some spy novel but mostly a straight forward transport, and I hadn’t wanted to bother with moving all my stuff van to car to van!

Getting my phone to find the nearest electronics store lead me to the town we were going to anyway, and it was already getting dark- the store and the dealership as it turned out were already closed. With mermaids not being taught to drive, it meant I’d likely need to stay the night in the town. I grimaced but gamely drove on. 

It was half an hour after that horrid realization that I felt something on my penis and grimaced at the texture of rubber as my penis was being rolled back and was getting picked up by a small hand before immediately being shoved into something with a mixture of hard and cold objects- that along with the smooth texture, I was guessing that it was at least a purse. 

The only bright spot was the car seemed to have to stop far more frequently than we did, meaning hopefully that we were catching up- they also fully stopped a full hour before we reached the town meaning they turned in early, a further bonus, if we could only figure out where they went. 

I was just entering town when I felt a more forceful movement of things in the purse, pressing me hard against what I suspected was Satan’s chapstick right in the balls when the hand reached me and pulled me up. Wincing I was soon being washed with warm water and took the opportunity to pee- not expected was the drop as I flopped into the sink. 

It was a minute or two after I finished peeing when I felt the hand pick me up by a piercing and the washing continued, before I was rubbed dry with a towel, distracting as hell, and as it was already dark- and the places I needed to go I suspected were closed, I rented a hotel room for the night, ordering room service after settling the mermaid in the tub- not like I could have enjoyed her tonight anyway. 

Meanwhile I was getting pushed into a far too small opening- small enough that it actually hurt me- not helped at all by the Prince Albert piercing, until my head was in- and getting pressed against a wall, and I was rock hard. But instead of pushing further, deflowering herself I suspected- I was instead rubbed against even as another hand brushed the top of my penis and I found myself getting barely used, and found myself disappointed. It sped up a bit then finished with a spray of liquid gushing around me as I flopped out and into water. 

My breath caught in my throat, but fortunately a hand grabbed me tossing me hard in the sink, disgusted apparently with touching toilet water. 

Then the freezing cold water came on, and I was washed far more completely than I’d ever washed myself- not that I do a bad job but ten minutes on one body part is a bit extreme, and worse yet the hands clearly knew or suspected what they were doing to me, not keeping the motion the same, often holding me by piercings instead of skin for that added “fuck you” feeling, and not in a good way. 

Getting wrapped in a towel and put in a drawer was a bit of a surprise, but at least I was able to sleep, uneasy though it may be. 

*** 

The next morning I recalculated things, glaring at the alarm clock, as at old dark thirty as my Dad called it- or way too damned early to be awake as I called it, 5:30 AM, the sun wasn’t even up but the penis nabber was. Waking up to your penis being placed on a freezing cold surface wasn’t pleasant, nor, particularly, did I enjoy a woman merely rubbing against my penis for her own gratification, no penetration, no release but her own- it not nearly enough for me by the time she finished. 

Then she took a shower with me, and of course just to make things fun soap got into my penis head burning like hell as I peed not knowing when I’d have another chance. 

She certainly noticed, holding the penis away from her. 

I misjudged the situation- the piss in the shower the final straw, the woman wasn’t up to taking care of a pet- even one that only tinkled, especially not on a road trip- at least I hoped it was a woman and not someone younger at least, I shuddered at the thought.

In any case, instead of being put in the purse and taken further and further away I was stuffed into what I figured was a sock which made me feel sicker than the thought that she was a little under eighteen. Much to my relief she didn’t put on the sock at least, so I had that going for me.

The sock then had what I suspected was a ribbon tied tightly around it with a bow, and I was set down, the vibrations of her running away fading away made me break out in a sweat, and getting picked up moments later, unwrapped then dropped painfully onto the carpet, bouncing, led me to thinking, I had been ding-dong-ditched, or at least my dong had been ditched   
Feeling queasy, I was picked up again. The hands... the hands were rough, and I had the feeling I wasn’t going to get lucky with lesbians twice. 

Sure enough after I was washed yet again, penis nappers were a hygienic folk it seemed, and getting my piercings and tattoos played with- and another rough set of hands joined in, I felt like dying even as I grew hard despite myself. 

It wasn’t long after that I was getting sucked, and another mouth joined in on sucking my balls fully into a mouth- both mouths hairy, gagging I felt myself grow soft even as they worked me hard again, kissing with me in the middle. 

Finally they extracted themselves from me- pulling my balls out of the man’s maw and to my utter horror I was getting pressed against a hairy asshole, going in with very little resistance

I never grew so soft so often while having sex, if you could even call getting used like this sex and not rape. You’d think something like this would make me vow to never use the Mermaid again, to let all the body parts collected on the previous caper free- or at least sending them anonymously to the police, but I had no such intention. 

Shaking my head, I tried getting my mind off things but everything just led back to sex, even baseball- the mere image of the male dominated sport had me cringing. 

Worse still was that I could vividly imagine what was going on from the odd hand placement- the man whose ass I was inside was using me as a dildo even while fucking the other man and likely giving him a reach around- I’ve spent too much time separate from my penis to be able to imagine such a thing from small subtle clues. 

It took ages, but finally they were done, I was pulled out- slowly, with disgusting farts that made me vomit in my mouth, and set aside for a disturbing thirty minutes- time enough to order me and the Mermaid breakfast, as I seriously doubted I’d be getting back to sleep. 

The shower during the meal wasn’t appreciated, nor was getting a distinctively tighter ass to fuck, one, much to my horror, I couldn’t help cumming in, not that my dick going limp stopped them, oh no, that would be too simple, instead the man started pushing my balls painfully until I was fully inside his anus.


	7. Sisterhood of the Traveling Penis.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish it was a Sisterhood at least.

With my penis and balls fully inside in a gay mans ass, and feeling sicker than sick I barely manage to choke down my breakfast- helped only by the time I thought one of the lesbians from the previous case might be a man. 

Clearly, going to the rental place would be a waste of time, no longer with the origional renters of the car- and them unlikely to tell me anything as it was. 

So it was to the electronics store we went. 

Of course, it was only when I got to the electronics store and couldn’t find a audio bug or simple audio recorder that I realized I could have just downloaded an App and put my phone in my underpants. Buying a throwaway phone I did just that, though once more I face the choice of writing my memoirs in a confused disjointed manner or pretending I hear everything as it happens. 

I know how frustrating the former can be, so of course I shall write in the latter, though make no mistake, I have no clue what they’re saying until I stop at night and fast forward through the audio recordings. 

I was on my way back out of town when the first fart hit, and it felt even stranger as it passed through me, some of it disgustingly feeling like it went inside- and I made a note to get more antibiotics when I could... And another STD check, as I realized to my horror none of the participants used condoms. At least I had a vasectomy, involuntary though it may have been. 

The shifting was distracting, and as much as I didn’t want it, I couldn’t help occasionally growing hard- which led to the man shifting even more, as they too presumably drove off- listening to country music too loudly to make out words I was left with nothing at the end of the day but I was closer to Florida, I only hoped they were going the same way. 

But at the time I hoped I was getting good intelligence. 

It was a mere four hours later that I began to feel the pressure of a full bladder. I hoped they’d make a pitstop, but for the time being I didn’t want to bring attention to my penis lest they remember me. I shivered at the thought. 

A mere hour later and I couldn’t last another second, and was soon pissing deep inside an asshole, the only reaction was a swift shift that reset a few seconds later- perhaps as he realized what was happening wasn’t a serious medical problem but rather a serious urine problem. 

At least until they pulled over. 

There were more shifts, then a pressure before I was being shat out, piss leaking around me, and I fell into the hot dirt, much to my horror. 

Worse yet, I had been forcing myself not to think of it, to hope it was my imagination, but from the heavy disgusting things being dropped on me, I was wrong, as I was being shat on during my piss enema shower. 

Then because that wasn’t bad enough first one then another stream of piss started hitting me as the two men relieved themselves. 

Then... Nothing, for several long nerve wracking minutes- I was half hopeful, half dreading that they had left me in the middle of the nowhere covered in feces, at the mercy of any tire or animal that came across it. 

I don’t know whether I should be thankful or not that I was picked up in a plastic bag that was tied tight, though I was grateful that at their next reststop they cleaned me. A full 2 hours after.

Enough time that I took the chance to piss again. I wasn’t used again, thankfully, and stopped for lunch before carrying on. It wasn’t until that Evening at five that they stopped, and not wanting to be on the road during problematic times, I was forced to rent a motel room. 

Surprisingly nothing happened for an hour or so, after reviewing the audio- which again held nothing of interest, that I felt myself getting dumped out of the bag. I was grateful as sick as it was to be taken again to a sink to be washed again, mostly of sweat at this point but considering how dirty I felt, I had no complaints even as I relieved myself again, groaning in relief. 

Quickly replacing my cellphone in my underpants, I waited, hoping for a location, a name, something, but fearing more of the same. 

To my surprise it was far slower this time as they touched and played with me- or rather only one did and I would later hear the words that would bring a small smile to my face, though one that I doubted reached my eyes “I don’t think he likes guys, never gets really hard and always goes soft, even during look at this” At this he gestured with my floppy cock, “I think we should return it to the hotel we got it from, or at least give it to a pretty woman or something.”

Of course, not all was well, as it continued on to what I already knew. 

The other man sighed, “Fine, but I ain’t driving all the way back, we’ll find someone in the morning, but while we have it we might as well get some use out of it, maybe we just weren’t being rough enough, look at that thing, it obviously likes abuse, I don’t think I’ve slapped or bit it’s balls- and you don’t get tattoos like that without liking some real kinky shit.”

“Well, we didn’t bring the really kinky stuff, but there’s bound to be a shop somewhere-”

“Why bother, we’ve got stuff we can use, won’t be as good but hell, I don’t want to go out, lets stay in this evening.”

“Fine, I guess we should do something for the guy, why don’t you do whatever you got planned, I don’t mind watching, you’ll always be the master, Master” he practically purred making me shudder. 

“Heh, I love how you say that. Weird though, I so much as look at another guys ass and you go insane with jealousy, I play with another mans cock and nothing”

“Oh shush.”

At the time all I knew was that I was sat down, and was temporarily relieved. Then a dirty shoelace got tied tight around my balls and they were slapped hard, I yelped, and swore revenge on the mermaid in that moment. 

Then they were slapped again, and again. It hurt, and it got worse and worse. Finally done, I soon felt a tongue which felt like an ice pack on a bruise, the sheer relief I felt... Then I felt the teeth lightly bite my testicals, then slightly harder, nibbling more than biting but still painful, still terribly frighting. 

Despite the horror of the situation, a warm hand would be hard pressed not to cause a reaction, a tongue less so. 

They took it as encouragement, though not as enthusiastic as they had hoped. 

“Shouldn’t you loosen the string? Won’t they, I don’t know, fall off or something?”

“Nah, that takes like, two days, my Uncle had that goat farm remember- I spent the Summer, that was horrible."

My stomach dropped when I later heard that. 

All I knew at the time was I had a brief pause, a small respite. 

Then it was back to the ball spanking again. 

This time I couldn’t help it, I cried and yelped into a pillow, tried not disturbing the other guests and getting kicked out. 

Next thing I was getting carried and getting my breath back, only to lose it again when tossed into something. It was moments later that what felt like tons of ice cold rocks were pounding on me, with a brief respite to dig me out and put me on top of the ice, before repeating it till my cock and balls were surrounded by ice. 

“Is that safe?”

“Probably, I mean, it takes thirty minutes for frostbite to set in, and it’s not like I’m adding salt and water and stirring it up, now that would get it really cold.”

“You’re a fount of knowledge Master, and if I ever do anything to piss you off, give me a warning so I can run and hide?”

He snorted “I know your limits and respect em, this is different, the guy’s literally asking for it.”

The sounds of them having sex were barely audible, and by the time I was fished out I was almost completely numb with cold, so much so that I relished the warm hand holding me, was almost grateful for it even as I was nursed back to warmth and hardness- at least somewhat, as my balls were sucked hard into a mans mouth and clamped shut tight around the base of my penis, balls raked and nibbled with teeth even as I was again being pushed inside a loose asshole, and to my ever lasting shame I eventually did come inside of him, feeling disgusted. 

“See, what did I tell you? Though I think you have a point about him possibly being straight- he was still somewhat flaccid in me, though maybe he just has ED.”

“I don’t want to risk it- I’ll buy you a penis when we get back, alright? One that wants it to be with men. There’s this new auction site for body parts-”

Untied and left in the sink, balls aching worse for the blood rushing back through them, through pain I couldn’t sleep I reviewed the audio until I managed a few fitful hours. 

The next day my penis got traded off again.


	8. Win Redickulous Prizes

I awoke to a cold shower on my privates, and ground my teeth, managing to set up my underpants cellphone in order to later hear “do you think we should do with it?”

An almost evil chuckle was the only answer. 

I felt something on the bare skin of the underside of my penis, only realizing belatedly that it was marker- and I wouldn’t learn until I got it back that it was “Puff, Puff, Pass”, drug lingo translating into use and give away. 

I was rolled into what only I can assume was a tshirt and stuffed into a pocket- which was highly uncomfortable after last night, not that I thought it’d ever be pleasant with a man. I shuddered in memory, wiping my completely dry eyes. 

“You’re not seriously leaving it in there are you?”

“Yeah, it’s perfect.”

The other man snorted “Only you Master. What in the world guarantees it’ll end up with a woman?”

“Well, nothing really guarantees it, but asking never hurt, besides a person that gets a penis in here is at least liable to treat it the way it wants to be treated.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Hi, I was wondering if you’re interested in something .. under the table so to speak?”

“I don’t do guys” A gruff voice sounded. 

“Nono, you see, we have this... advanced leprosy case, and we were hoping you could see about slipping it in some broads purchases...”

“Well, I can’t pay you for it, but I don’t see no harm in just slipping it in someones stuff, just what have you got?”

I was pulled out and presented, “Hoo boy, you don’t do things by halves- put it in this baggie for me will ya? I don’t want to touch the thing.”

I was soon wrapped in plastic and shoved out of the way, voices trailing off. 

After nothing happened for a while, I reviewed the audio, feeling sick. 

I also eventually caught the name of the store- which turned out to be a bondage sex shop. 

It was a couple hours later that I was stuffed into another bag and carried away, hard plastic meeting soft as I was carried about, until I finally was tossed down painful, and after another long wait and the need to piss rising, to say nothing of how sweaty it was. 

Then I was carried again, before everything in the bag including me was dumped out and... I felt a poke, and another before being dumped out onto a hard surface, and tentatively poked again, before a finger pressed against me, before realizing yes it is a real penis, no it is not severed. 

Grabbed, I was once again washed before a condom was slowly put on my growing length, sucked and fucked. It wasn’t... special but it was gentle, at least somewhat, before the condom was removed and it again was set aside. 

It was also about that time that I finally entered Florida, traffic had been a nightmare, hell the whole thing had been, and I knew I wouldn’t be getting my revenge on the mermaid in a pleasurable way for me, I was still determined to have it. 

Of course, that’s when my car was slammed into by a truck. 

I woke up groggily in the ambulance, “Easy there buddy, you’ve had a nasty accident, luckily you should be fine after we get a cast on that arm, but I’ve got to ask just where is your ... well, penis?”

“I..I don’t know, lost. Where- woman?”

“You mean a passenger? You were alone as far as we know”

Well, there goes that. “Kidnapped- body modification to .. to look like mermaid, sick.. freaks...” 

“Yeah okay buddy, you have a bit of a concussion, follow the light with your eyes...”

***

By the time I got out of the hospital, two days had passed- and the rather gentle woman sadly passed me on in the most insane way possible I learned from a recording. 

After rewriting the words in marker that had been faded, and drilling a few holes, screwing a few screws, I was hung up in a Woman’s Bathroom stall, a dozen condoms hung to the side with pieces of tape, and further - read out-loud by disbelieving women wrote in marker above it “Free to a good home, or free for a restroom quicky, I’m not picky!”

It was mere minutes after she left me there that I had the first taker- or at least she poked it a few times, gave it a few tugs, played with the piercings all while presumably reliving herself. 

The next wasn’t quite so shy, eventually grabbing my penis and waiting as I grew hard in her hand before removing it, and nothing more until a condom was carefully put on me and I was soon being fucked, the condom left on to slowly fall to the floor as I grew soft, not even enough to cum.

Most women were rather like the first two, with only light slaps, none daring to bite, cumming only once or twice. 

That was until the she bitch that was content taking the tattoos advice, slapping me, if not bitin over and over again, before putting a condom on my limp dick, stuffing it into the loosest pussy I’d ever had, and I grew hard inside her, not long after she was fucking me, making a point to be rough- and probably making a racket. 

Finished with me, to my shock the condom was removed- the first that had bothered, and soon unhooked me from the stall. 

I then was stuffed completely into a condom, my now flaccid dick no obstacle to expanding the rim and stuffing my balls in, tying it off and putting it whole into her vagina with less trouble than anyone before, only a mere couple of hours having passed. 

As to the mermaid, luckily, I wasn’t out of leads. Finding tank trucks transporting water wasn’t hard, finding which one of those was going to Las Vegas for some asinine reason was even easier. Sadly it was already almost there- but I wasn’t willing to admit defeat- just think of the riches, just think of the revenge for losing my privates!

So I started making my way home, sadly on a bus, not wanting to risk driving with not only a broken arm but a freaking devil with my privates.


	9. The Best Laid Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of book 2... for now. In truth I don't like where book 2 has gone, but this ending will do as a placeholder should I ever come back to it, if a major downer ending, I don't like anything unfinished, and it is an ending. Mermaids weren't quite as interesting to write about for me as I thought they'd be, who knew?

I could have taken a train, a plane or a boat, but oh, nope, I decided on the bus, still hopped up on pain medication and not thinking clearly despite my involuntary tolerance break. 

Still, I had a lead on a mermaid- it’s a rare truck that transports a tank full of water to Las Vegas, though I couldn’t find out just where in Las Vegas it was heading. 

It was only a couple hours into my trip when I needed to pee, and I wish I had taken the hosptial up on it’s offer to install a catheter into my abdomen, but I got my privates back once, I can certainly do so again. 

Still, the present problem persisted, namely needing to pee while in a tied condom inside a vagina. I managed it to let loose most of my bladder, but some of the pee went back in and it hurt. 

Worse, the woman seemed to be enjoying it from her squirming, and it was half an hour of near agony when she finally gave birth to a condom full of piss that she tore open, leaving my cock and balls to fall into the toilet. 

It’s horrible that I’m so blasé about it, that I’m mostly sure she won’t flush me, if only because she wants to use me, to... to hurt me. 

Sure enough I was fished out by a dish gloved hand. Then scrubbed hard with a kitchen sponge, set aside for much too long to air dry and shrivel. 

Then as these things tend to do, they got worse. 

With something rather like a bread tie my Prince Albert at the tip of my penis was tied to the guiche piercing, with something hard in the middle so once more I couldn’t get hard even if I wanted to. 

Then she lit the candle and had a bath. 

It hurt. Ever try candle play? Turns out you aren’t supposed to use candle candles- the wax is too hot, it burns, oh how it burns, every drop was an agony until a crust of wax built up. 

***

I got back to town only hours behind the truck having gotten off the bus and gotten a plane ticket at the next big town.

Finally reaching home was a relief- more so that no bombs went off when I opened the door. I did my best to keep my home and business separate, but there was only so much you could do. 

Mostly I just relied on watching the security footage from the bus on my cellphone and seeing no one entering or sticking around at the doors or windows too long chanced it.

Of course, modern spy gear was fantastic- they can pick up the very vibrations on window’s glass with a high speed camera and translate that to sound, so it wasn’t fool proof- even if they hadn’t been in your home they could be listening, to say nothing of the obvious watching- all it took was one weirdo with a telescope, but that I wasn’t killed by bomb or sniper rifle was a good sign, even as I chided myself for reading one too many spy books, watching one too many spy flicks and the like. 

Switching one drug for another would take a day, mixing and matching not being a good idea, in the meantime I kept trying to figure out where the mermaid was. 

The Shark Reef Aquarium was the closest thing to Seaworld we had, well, that and Wet N Wild, but neither were exactly prime mermaid real estate- too much chance of shady deals being seen and too open. 

As I thought the folks at Seaworld hadn’t gone insane and put in a Seaworld in Vegas. 

Luckily, I had a cunning plan. 

“This is Shady Dick, I’m looking for a big ole tub o’ water a friends deliverin’ up these parts, supposed to have been following him but I’ve gone and lost em in traffic, over.” I said over the old CB radio. 

“Shady Dick? Is that a come-on, if so you can come on over to my truck, I’ve got something for you to drink, over” I groaned but didn’t respond, me and my big mouth. 

“I think I saw him heading out to that new warehouse over on Flamingo, over.”

Well, that was... easy. I guess life threw even me a break once in a while. 

Driving over to the warehouse in another rented car- one that they were leery to rent to me because of my injury, I managed to get there during the day, and with a clipboard, a box, a wig, and a brown uniform with a fictitious company name and a fake goatee, I had all I needed. 

Finding out a name of someone that worked there wasn’t hard- just had to look up warehouses on that street and a quick search on linkedin and I was, well, linked in. 

So when I got to the security podium I had a delivery for someone inside. “Got a delivery for a-” Picking up my clipboard I finished with “a Mr... I. C. Wiener, really, that’s his name?”

The security guard chuckled “Yeah, and he’s just how you’d expect and intolerable about it- no one knows his first or middle name save his boss, I can call him up here to pick it up.” 

Well, fuck. 

After delivering a box of dildos- though sadly he didn’t open them in front of me, it was onto plan B. 

Calling in a false emergency is a crime, but it’s not quite false if you actually do leave a mysterious ticking package somewhere. That just makes your jail sentence turn into a prison sentence if you’re caught. 

Of course- the package wasn’t left at the warehouse, but at a mosque of all things- which depending on the judge might up it to a hate crime, in short, I best not get caught. 

The package of course contained no bombs- though it did have a little weed in it- enough to set off any dogs the cops had with them, it was too soon since recreational marijuana had been, well made legal, so any K-9 officers would still be trained to suss it out, which was perfect for me. Use what you have and all that. 

Meanwhile I was going in the back. Of course, not everyone was a lookie loo, but that didn’t matter since they quickly cordoned off that street- if not the street behind them yet. 

A little time with some bolt cutters and I was through the chain link fence, and headed towards a door on the side. Which was locked. 

Plan C, then. 

I got out a box of smokes and after tearing one into a third, lit it and smoked what little remained, before trying the door again. Loudly cursing “Damnit!” and started knocking. 

It opened “Hey thanks, got trapped out on my smoke break, forgot to put on a doorstop” I explained snuffing out the smoke with a pinch, and putting it back in the box. Littering is bad you know. 

The man was no monolith of intelligence accepted that at face value. It helped, of course, that I had a few different uniforms and changed into the one closest to the security guard’s uniform, in at least the same colors if not the exact same style, even had security on the back- which let me tell you works wonders getting into places. 

Sadly, by the time I managed to get to the building the “water” had been delivered to, it was too late, and I felt sick to my stomach. 

The real world isn’t a novel, and doesn’t conform to good story telling, will I ever have a case memoir not only interesting enough to print but that ends well, with no snags or stumbles?

I hadn’t thought ahead, hadn’t figured on the police presence spooking them into processing their products as fast as they could so at least no living mermaids would be present- the way I heard one say it they were planning on pretending to be a kinky sex doll factory, and unlike the mermaid I met it smelled enough like fish in the warehouse that no one would want to press for details. 

Of course, an anonymous call on the road had them inside the warehouse anyway, looking for the person that left the bomb that they had blown up- and claiming that they had hostages meant they would investigate throughly. 

In the end, I had a freezer full of questionable seafood, that was something, now just where was my penis?


End file.
